NOUVELLE OPTION: Version française
My friends, my loved ones,
I must tell you about my latest adventure relating to an MRI done Sunday night.
I receive a call this Friday telling me I had a scan Sunday at 9:45 p.m.! Okaaay… They make you wait months, but when they’re ready, you better be ready too!
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| The torture chamber |
Basing myself on my last experience in the so-called imagery machine, I immediately go to the drugstore to buy Ativan (medication for anxiety that acts on the brain and nerves), 3 to be more specific. As I’ve gotten older, I have become unreasonably claustrophobic! I just look at someone sliding between narrow walls in a cave and I have to change channels due to hyperventilation. Yes, it is that bad!
Twenty years ago, when I was inserted into the machine’s cavity, I only thought of my travels and my shopping list. When I went again five years ago, I had an apoplectic fit the moment the table moved! Heart beating so hard I was sure it would explode and I would die in a hospital gown, my ass sticking out! They made the table slide out as fast as possible to release me and give me an Ativan to calm me down. A half-hour later, a little foggy, they helped me lie down on the table of torture and pressed on the button as fast as they could! I am drowsy enough not to realize what was happening for 25 minutes…
We are now Sunday night, March 17, 2019, in the waiting room. It is 9:45 p.m. I took my Ativan at 9 p.m. to make sure I would be groggy when I would be on the table of hell. I am reading a novel when suddenly, the image of the machine pops up in my head and my heart starts beating fast and hard. Shit! The Ativan has not kicked in yet! I am called at 9:55 p.m. I get undressed and I am once again wearing a hospital gown with my ass sticking out!
“Have you already lived through an MRI?”
I like the expression “lived through” used by the nurse when describing what I experienced in the past! It’s the perfect term!
“Yes, I’ve already "lived through" one! And it did not go well. That’s why I took an Ativan at 9p.m.”
“Perfect, so everything will go smoothly!”
“I hope so!” I tell her with great skepticism.
The nurse opens the big doors to the chamber of tortures and I slowly go forward, ass still sticking out. She gives me earplugs to diminish the noise caused by the machine, she puts on my head a bleu plastic shower cap, that looks strangely like the blue plastic covers we are asked to put over our boots when entering a doctor’s waiting room… She asks me to lie down on the table and puts headphones over my ears for her to communicate with me during the MRI… My heart starts to beat rapidly. She then places a headgear over my face which in fact is the camera for the imagery of my head.
The headgear looks like this one but mine had a smaller opening at the front.
The moment I hear the clips close and therefore, lock me in, I have another apoplectic fit! I hyperventilate, my heart is beating so hard, it’s about to explode, I even have chest pains. That’s it, I’m going to die with my ass sticking out! I take the nurse by her arm and beg her to get me out of the headgear as soon as possible and let the next patient come in while I take another Ativan! Just looking at me, she immediately does what I ask.
A half hour later, 2 Ativan in my system, I don’t really feel drugged… Did they give me placebo at the drugstore? F@#&! I can still read my novel and when I think of the headgear, my heart starts acting up again. Shit!
I see the patient come out of the torture chamber and I know what awaits me…
The nurse comes to get me and we redo the whole thing. Once again, my claustrophobia takes control the moment the headgear is put on. I take deep breaths and try to calm down, with no success. She offers the following: let’s do the imagery of your neck first as it does not require the headgear. Plus, I will put a mask over your eyes to help you relax. Ye! Bravo for this initiative! I slip into the lion’s mouth, no problem, I am even in a good mood! A little song with that? I still take deep breaths, but to the rhythm of the machine’s noise! Fifteen minutes pass like a charm, but when the table moves, I know what awaits me...
However, having 15 minutes of relaxation and a heart beat under control, the nurse, without taking off the mask hiding all the horrors around me, puts the headgear in place, closes the clips and presses on the button as fast as she can! Knowing that I would be in there for only 10 minutes, I try to be courageous and control my body as best I can. I am in the tunnel of hell for only a few minutes, which appear to be way longer, and the table moves out to enter once again. And again, it comes out after a few minutes.
“Is it already over?” I ask with relief.
“No, no, I am only making adjustments.”
“Oh jeez, kill me now!”
I must go back to the depths of hell! This story never ends!
I now take such deep breaths to try and control myself that the nurse thinks I’m snoring! I don’t think so Tim!
They were the longest 10 minutes of my life! When the machine stopped making noise, the nurse told me through the headphones that she was coming. Unfortunately, she wasn’t coming fast enough for my taste, not good as I am still lockup in the bowls of purgatory! It’s a miracle, the table moves. I get down fast and take her in my arms.
“I have survived because of you!”
“No problem, I love doing this!”
Doing what, making me suffer or saving me? Probably both!
Next time, I want a dose of medication strong enough to knock out a horse, period, because I exited the hospital without any dizziness, fatigue or disorientation… I was perfectly fine despite 2 Ativan!
Conclusion, I am an enigma, a medical mystery, I will give my body to science…
One thing is for sure, this adventure has put an end to winter as for the first time in 2019, I am sitting on my balcony!
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| Still some snow... |
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| But the appearance of spring! |
I love you and I am very happy to be alive, my ass well hidden!
Diane
P. S. : Feel free to add a comment or share your reaction just below!